We arrived from Romania on Sunday and since then I have had my up and downs being on my own at home. I take Laura every morning to the nursery and pick her up at the end of the day. I feel like a loser to have her every day at the nursery while I am at home with Beatrice, but truth is: I am a loser. I am far to be a great mother that can entertain her 3 years old while looking after of her four month old. We don’t have a routine. Beatrice doesn’t have a routine. She sleeps when she wants, she feeds when she wants. Laura has her needs, she needs to eat, to get dressed, brush her teeth, and she doesn’t do these things on her own (she eats, but doesn’t cook, of course). She also needs to play, to talk, to run… and it has been raining every day since we got back, except on Sunday. And I feel completely exhausted and lost and cannot get myself organised with the things I need to do and the things I want to do. This week has been tough and most of my time is spent putting Beatrice to sleep and feeding her. I’ve been so so tired that some days I barely smile. This evening, with Laura at home, I was feeling numb, a bit like a zombie or a robot. She noticed, of course, because she notice everything these days. I haven’t been sleeping well and the girls wake up far too early for my liking.
But this is not a self-pity post. I’m sure it will get better and I will get used to the new routine. Beatrice is still quite small and is still adapting to the world. She is sorting her own routine out, while I give her a helping hand whenever I can. I am already understanding her sleeping patterns, still a bit confused, but I can see when she is tired and it is roughly around the same times. Roughly, not precisely, it is important to say.
As for me, I am trying to establish my own routine (around Beatrice), but it is hard. The weather is so so crap that I think I’m getting depressed again. I can’t leave the house. I don’t want to. I only leave the house when I need to – to take and pick up Laura, a doctors appointment. Beatrice and Laura have runny nose and might be developing a cold – nothing new, everybody in this country, except me, has a cold 9 months a year. The painful part is that I don’t sleep listening to their poor breathing. So I can go out in this weather risking Beatrice to get worse and not sleeping at all. And I don’t feel like going out. At all. I did, a couple of times, to walk and exercise and I felt miserable during the walk, just wanting to go back home.
Next week I’m going to look for a baby massage course. At least it’s indoors.
Tomorrow we are taking Laura for a ballet class trial. Let’s see if Laura will like it and want more. She is now dancing and singing in front of the mirror, but she is a shy kid.
And tomorrow my Godmother is coming to have lunch with us. It’s been ages since I last saw her – maybe 6 years? The reason why I’m still up is because I completely forgot about the lunch tomorrow and the desert I wanted to prepare needs some many hours cooling time. Up to two hours to cook and 6 hours in the fridge. I’m planning to prepare a fish stew – my first. Fingers crossed that it will be edible.
Now… Romania. Geez, I have so much to write about and I need to do it quickly before I forget things. I also have to sort the over 2,000 photos I took. Ops. It will come, I promise.
In the meantime, I’ll leave you with some photos of our trip, but mainly of my babies, all taken near the Bear Lake, in Sovata.