Category Archives: Limbo

Where do the hours go?

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It’s been nearly a month since I stopped working and I’m still having mixed feelings. If on one hand I am loving being able to go to my daughter’s school in the middle of the morning to watch her dancing for Sports Relief, or go to talks about math, or spend some time clearing accumulated mess around the house, on the other I am not enjoying the lack of structure, rigid plans and sense of being productive.

Mondays, for example, are the days to tidy up and clean the house from the weekend with family at home. This is what I’ve done today. I am also sorting last details for our trip to Florida – basically printing whatever important document we need to take with us, putting everything in a folder so we have everything easy to access, etc. And I started packing; 75% done, I would say. I am also looking at venues for the girls’ joint birthday party – calling venues, checking costs and availability. I called and wrote to a few, but no success so far. I also washed and dried clothes, twice. And now the day is gone. Just like that.

While some people would say it was quite a productive day, for me it wasn’t much really. I read the posts I wrote a few weeks back and the sentiment is the same of not being productive, of feeling I’m not doing enough. The main difference is that I am not killing myself now. I can do stuff during the week, so I don’t have to freak out on the weekends. I am yet to come to terms with this new life; I’m yet to stop judging myself and realise that this new life is a good life, not a waste of time. Taking it easy is not a bad thing, is it? If I wasn’t happy before, I am doing the right thing and trying to slow down. Am I? So why doesn’t it feel good?

The main objective was to take March off, to recover from all the years of sleepless nights, all the anxiety, all the stress, all the manic routine. Yet, I didn’t take one single nap during the day since I stopped working. This is the one thing I was missing the most since I had children: being able to take a nap after lunch on the weekends. I can now, during the week. But I feel like I’m being watched (by whom? God?) and being judged for wasting precious time that I could have been… working? cleaning? cooking?

I won’t lie. I had so many plans for this period: learn another language, another skill, exercise, sort all the mess around the house, meet all my friends that are not working or are working from home, talk to people, stop shopping online and go to the supermarket. I have done very little of those and I have no energy to. I could blame it on the weather (and I partially will), I just can’t get myself to get out of the house. I can’t. Too cold, too grey outside. Inside is so much nicer.

We will soon be off on holidays and when I’m back I will have to have my life sorted out, even if just planning the routine. Either that, or I will soon start looking for a job.

 

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Goodbye, 2015!

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Goodness, another year gone. I’m glad 2015 is coming to an end, but it is scary to see how time is flying.

I love lists and I love going through all the things that happened in the year, the good, the bad and the ugly. Most of all, I love planning the year ahead.

2015 was the year of sad news, dear people being diagnosed with terminal diseases, friends dying much sooner than they should. On a positive note, babies were born and, with them, hope in humankind is renewed.

We had a bad experience with holidays. After over a year since we had a decent break, our trip to Italy was a nightmare. Starting with an expired passport and the cancelation of the first week in Tuscany. We managed to spend a week in Jesolo, which was a bit “meh”. I love Italy, so not bad, but it wasn’t great either. On a positive note, although we weren’t entitled to any refund for the cancelation, the lady at the hotel in Tuscany took pity on us and managed to give us part of the money back. So Tuscany is back in the list of places to visit! And because they were super nice, I’ll leave the name of the hotel here, for future reference and in case you are interested: Villa Mazzanta.

Someone broke into our house, just as we returned from holidays. The signs are still around the house, reminding us that we are not safe anywhere, not even in our own houses. On a positive note, nothing was taken other than some cash.

I started and stopped Pilates. I had great results, but it was a nightmare to leave the house and as soon as I got back from the class, all the pain would be back. I am in a lot of pain but have been postponing going to a GP. I have finally booked an appointment… for tonight!

I didn’t read much this year. Got stuck in a John Grisham book for almost the whole of 2015 (The Brethren), but finally finished before the end of the year. On the other hand, I read The Circle, by Dave Eggers, in a couple of nights.

I didn’t even tried to lose weight properly in 2015. I did track what I was eating on My Fitness Pal, but that was it. I didn’t try to exercise either. It’s just way too hard to try to find time, to negotiate who will stay with the kids, to have to beg to have some “me time”. Things at home weren’t great this year and I confess: instead of fighting, I gave up.

And because life is like a football match, I managed to score a few goals at the very last minute of the year. My resignation, as you all know by now, is the main one. I cut coffee for for about 6 weeks now (although in the past week I had a few decafs) and sugar (for 3-4 weeks, I’m back to it until the new year).  But the little things I am the happiest about are all related to the house. I’ll write a separate post about them another time.

I think this is a good summary of 2015: the year I gave up. So I’m glad it is going away and a brand new shiny year is coming to the rescue.

Goodbye, 2015. Welcome, 2016! Have a great start of year, everyone. See you on the other side.

While Beatrice fights not to sleep…

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… I decided to check how things are going with this blog. Practically dead and I feel sorry for it.

Many months without posting and mainly because I wasn’t inspired at all. 2015 was a “meh” year for me. The folks in Lala-land will probably argue that I should be grateful for my health and for my family and for everyone being healthy and under a roof and… the list of “good things to be grateful for” goes on. Don’t get me wrong, I am.

But comparing to other years, 2015 was “meh”. Probably mainly my fault.

Now… 2015 ends with a twist. Because a “meh” year cannot end up “meh”, otherwise what’s the point? So, 2015 was the year I resigned my 4-years-old-job. Without another job to go to. I have no idea what I’m going to do, but I’m not worried (yet). I can go to another similar job, I can go to a “worse” job that will pay less but also will take less of my soul, I can become a stay at home mother. The sky is the limit.

At the moment, I am enjoying a two week break, trying to sort out the thoughts and ideas in my head, spend some time with the kids and organise the house. Trying to find myself, as I have been lost for a while now. And, with the proximity of the new year and the prospect of starting again (I know it’s an illusion, but I like it), I feel more hopeful and… well, just hopeful. Let the countdown begin!

Anxiety-mode on

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Believe it or not, I’ve started the countdown to 2013 (I’m not going to mention the countdown to summer, because then it will be too obvious that I’m a ubber anxious person). Do you know that feeling of “I had enough”? If so, you might understand me when I say I had enough of 2012. It hasn’t been a bad year, not for me, at least. But it hasn’t been one of those years that I would say “I don’t want it to finish”.

Here is a very brief summary (= a summary of the summary?) of the year so far:

* Laura left the nursery in April

* Since then we have had visitors (in laws, mum, in laws, friend) around

* Very quick holidays – Cyprus and Brazil. Nothing else for the rest of the year.

* Testing new cleaners, not finding anyone really good

* Living a full year without a dishwasher

* One full year at work in September – boss left in April, colleague left in August, new boss in September. Ups and downs in terms of my love for work.

* Laura started the nursery very close to work. I started taking her with me, and collecting her at the end of the day. It last a month – I had to ask hubby’s help as it was a little bit too much to do both on my own.

* The weather was awful the whole year – very few warm days and mostly during the week, when I’m at work. Laura had two outdoor weekends throughout the whole year.

And the year is not even close to an end. I mean, there are two months and the end of the world ahead of us – lots can happen until then. I feel like starting my limbo period, which is something like “not quite there yet” – not ready to end the year, not ready to start a new year.

Ops

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I completely forgot about this blog – I was meant to post some photos, wasn’t I? My bad, but it will have to be on the weekend.

We are all good – but very tired. Only today I managed to wash a massive pile of dirty clothes, still from Christmas/New Year, organise the mess a tiny bit, go shopping for food (yes, food!) and other boring stuff.

Last weekend wasn’t busy at all, we just went out to the supermarket and to a play centre for kids. Nothing more. But I confess that since back from Romania, I’m even more tired that before. VERY tired. I can barely keep my eyes opened and sometimes I can barely think/speak. It’s sad. By the looks of it, I’ll have to start going to bed at 19h, with Laura, to see if I can rest. Bless her, it’s not only her fault. I simply can’t relax and have a good night of sleep. If she doesn’t wake up, I’ll wake up anyways. Two, three times.

2011 wasn’t a bad year – but it wasn’t as good as 2010. By good I mean eventful. Returning to work in July wasn’t as easy as I thought and hoped it would be. Yes, taking care of a child full time is very hard, but working full time, having to travel to work very early in the morning, run back home, continue “working” for another 3-4 hours, it’s not the best of things. Besides, I’m not eating well, I’m not exercising, I’m not reading, I’m not watching movies. So basically I’m a working machine. I don’t even enjoy my daughter as much as I should/could to be very honest. I need to do something really quick to change this situation.

I am simply in love with Laura’s current phase. Actually since 11 months she’s been just super duper cute and adorable and it just gets better. She is really funny and very tender. Very naughty as well. And she talks and talks and talks. When I get to the nursery to collect her she is the only chatter box in the room. All the other kids do make some sounds or say a feel words, but Laura is none stop, like a radio. Of course, nothing she says makes much sense, at least to us, but it’s cute to see her speaking her own language. Today, when I got there, another mum arrived at the same time. Laura went to her, tapped her leg, and said “bye-bye”, and the woman said “bye, bye Laura”. Apart from a chinese boy named Nathan – which I haven’t seen at all this year – I don’t remember no kids’ names.

Despite being very negligent and – I want to say lazy… – tired, we’ve been planning a few things. Holidays, mainly. I have a problem, you see? I don’t have a valid document to travel, so I cannot leave the country. And this might take a while to sort out. But plan is just a plan and it can change. So the idea is to go somewhere extremely cold for a ski trip. Do I ski? No, no. I don’t know what I’m going to do there – I think Mr. C is feeling guilty to leave me with Laura in London for a week while he has fun with Italiano. But to be fair, I suggested that. I’m definitely not a winter person, even when it is beautiful and white. Please take me to the beach, in summer. But of course I will go to make him happy – if I have a passport by then, that is. We are talking March here. Then mum is coming for Laura’s 2nd birthday (oh gosh, already?!?!?!?) in May and I might take a week in June to go somewhere with her. Then it is Brazil in October – by then I’ll surely have a passport – for only two weeks. And then it’s Christmas/New Year and that over. Talk about planning ahead… But that’s all the planning ahead I can actually act upon.

2012 started a bit sad, with Mari and Vicky moving back to Brazil. I have to say that it is really hard to make friends here – I’m not the type of person who will be friends with people just because they are from the same country as I am. I really need to click with them. And I haven’t been clicking with many people lately. And if I do, they leave or they live far away. And I am very lazy to invest in relationships that are doomed to end. It’s sad, very sad, but I’m just being honest. But I’m still going to make an effort from time to time. Next Thursday I’m meeting with Lillywhites somewhere near our work and there should be some ladies I have never seen before. Lillywhites is lovely, so I’m hoping her ‘contacts’ are as lovely as her. Fingers crossed. In February I’ll have my first sleep over far away from my baby. I’m going to Birmingham for work and there’s a party in the evening. I’m so not into work-do. I don’t have the patience for small talk. My boss will be with me, which, believe it or not, is a good thing.

In 2012 we are also going to our first British wedding – apart from my own. In July, high summer. I need to start loosing weight NOW!

Ok, I’m in Limbo until March, when the days will start to get longer again. I can’t be happy when it’s cold (but winter has been very kind this year, I promise – I’ve seen worse summers) and dark. I need the light to survive. So let’s talk again (and revise this post) in March.

2011, shall we start? Life in pictures

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I’m a bit reluctant to start 2011. I want the year to be great and I want it to start great, so I was waiting for some good news to start the year with. And the good news came yesterday, on Mr. C’s front. Good news for him, good news for me. So let’s start 2011!

And let’s start with photos.

The canvas that will go on our bedroom wall

(still waiting some inspiration and patience to hand these on our bedroom – they will be above the bed)

New black rug

The rug was Mr. C’s impulse buy. I think the rug is too small and too black. I mean, the space is quite… black. Anyway, let’s leave it until I find the right carpet.

Baby with the duck she got for Xmas

Little one being herself: cute and curious.

Baby prefers to eat the floor to her food

Our new table is just like us: spacious and messy, but so nice. 🙂

New table on a very messy day - the chairs will be replaced, one day

Little one being herself when she is not being cute and curious. Awwwnnnn. 😦

Happy baby also cries - a lot

Uncle Roberto came in the New Year and this is how she received him. Tsk tsk.

Happy baby wasn't too happy with uncle Roberto

But then she was herself again. Cute and curious and happy.

But then happy baby decided she liked uncle Roberto

And was very happy with him

Having loads of fun

Happy baby playing around

Yesterday we went to Chiswick to visit auntie Mari and cousin Vicky. They were so cute together. 🙂 Laura wanted to huge Vicky (actually, pull her hair was more like it)

Two pink eskimos

The big one is a Lady Kent, the small one is Miss West

They are also known as Laura and Victoria going out on a very cold and windy day

And last but not least, Mr. C’s present. We played a bit today, quite fun and funny! 🙂

Daddy finally opening his (late) Xmas present

What is it? What is it?

Oooh, an Xbox 360!

... and a Kinect! Me happy hubby, yes.

Stuff

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Getting ready to go to bed (I’m traumatised because Laura woke up at 7am today and didn’t want to go back to sleep, despite being so sleepy), but here are some quick updates.

The template problem is sorted – thanks, Lelei, to offer help. I’m trying to learn how this thing works so it’s kind of an exercise too. I have to say that things are less complicated now. And I’m working on my new header. A new header altogether, as I changed my mind about the idea I was working on a couple of times.

Laura went for her first swimming lesson today. It was really good and I had loads of fun. She was quite happy in the water, but towards the end of the 30 minute lesson, she was getting cold and uncomfortable and wasn’t enjoying it anymore. So the lesson would have been perfect if it was 10 minutes shorter. And she was so tired by the end of it that she slept 1h30 when she got home, then another 30 minutes around 5pm, then had a bath when daddy arrived and by 20h30 she was fast asleep. She was so tired that she didn’t complain when I put her in her bed still half-awake!!! It’s a miracle, my friends. Mr. C and I even joked (joked?? hmmm) that we will take her swimming EVERYDAY. Plus, there were some nice moms there and it might be a nice weekly thing to do. Now mommy needs to sort out some activities for her as well.

Mr. C’s Xmas present is on its way, finally! I got hubby a Xbox + kinnect. I hope I won’t loose my husband for the videogames, but I’m also planning to use it a bit, with those exercise games. I hope they are at least fun, because I think it’s very weird to exercise in front of the TV. Not to mention that I’m not a videogame person.

I had more to say, but I totally forgot what I was going to write. Oh, well, bedtime anyway.