Today and tomorrow I’m away from my babies due to work event. I wasn’t forced into it, it was agreed between my boss and I, but I was actually the one who suggested working on this event even before I went on maternity leave.
In the UK we are entitled to 10 KIT (keep in touch) days, paid of course, during the maternity leave period. I was planning to use all ten, but not sure I will now.
Next week I will work in the office and I don’t know how I feel about it. The thing is: Beatrice is solely breastfed. And I don’t express milk to give her, it’s straight from the source. I have been expressing milk in the last weeks, every day a little bit and I only managed to express enough for these two days. The plan was to express lots, to give daddy some practice time (you know, bottle feed a breastfed baby isn’t the easiest of the tasks), so how Beatrice will accept the bottle will be a surprise for all of us. They will be fine, but I don’t think I will.
Beatrice has been sleeping worse than before for the last couple of days, having milk 5 times between 11 pm and 6 am, and crying a lot if I try to give her the dummy instead of the breast. Yesterday she woke up at 6am, but today she was still sleeping when I left. So no goodbyes.
Laura wet her bed this morning, called daddy at 6 am. It’s the first time it happens since we came back from holidays on the 8th of September. I could blame the juice she had before bedtime, but she had had juice and milk and water several times just before bedtime and didn’t wet the bed. I could blame the cold weather, but it has been cold in our house for a week or so. I didn’t think about blaming the fact that I’m going to work today because she didn’t seem to care when we told her yesterday. On the contrary, she was very excited that daddy was going to take her to school. So wetting her bed is something else, maybe bad dream.
I thought I was going to be thrilled to be on my own for a couple of days, but the fact is that I am holding back the tears. I am a possessive mother. I complain that motherhood can be suffocating, but I can’t be far away from my kids, especially from Bea, who is just too young. She will survive and probably enjoy her time with daddy. I will survive, but not unharmed.
Human mind is something powerful. I think I was so scared about leaving them and going to work that everything seemed to go “wrong”. The hair is all oily and disgusting – and I didn’t have time to wash it this morning. The clothes I chose to wear this morning didn’t fit and the shoes I was meant to wear don’t match the current outfit. The top I’m wearing is itching me. I couldn’t prepare the milk bottles for Bea as I planned because I ran out of time. Laura spilled her juice all over her 5 minutes before I left, the trains were delayed…
Luckily, the girls have the best father they could have asked for, and while I was a pile of nerves this morning, he was chilled out about it all. I think he might even enjoy these two days at home. 🙂