The baby who didn’t want to poo… and other possible titles for a book

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The baby who didn’t want to poo

Once upon a time, there was a baby called Beatrice, who loved her milk. Every time she had milk she celebrated by making a poo. Sometimes she would poo even without having milk, just because she was happy. Lots and lots of nappies with a bright yellow liquid poo for her mummy and daddy and grandmother to change. And so life went on happily.

Until one day Beatrice decided that she had enough; no more poo to celebrate happiness. She carried on having her milk, one breast per meal, every two-three hours. Instead of poo-ing, she preferred to smile. It makes sense to the rest of the world, but not to her mummy, who started worrying and getting a bit paranoid and not sleeping at night, thinking about everything she had been eating, thinking it could be stress passing on througho the milk (stress about what, woman?), “is it the weather?”, “was it something I said?”.

Four days went by and mummy decided she wouldn’t relax during the weekend unless she knew this new behaviour had nothing to do with her and was only a whim was absolutely normal. So she called the health visitor (a trip to the A&E “Accident & Emergency” was a little too much), who told her that this is absolutely normal with breast fed babies. The milk doesn’t have anything added to it so everything is used by the body and there’s little to waste. “But what about before? The 10 dirty nappies a day?”, asked the surprised mother. “It is normal when they are very young, now her guts are maturing and more developed”. “Geez, she is only 2 months old, how can it be mature and developed overnight?”. “Babies change almost every week, how can you not know that from your first child?“, said the health visitor patiently. “OK then, so I guess I will have a quiet weekend… GREAT, so I don’t need to worry about THAT this weekend”, replied the mother.

THE END

************

The baby who sleeps well through the night, if she feels like it

Once upon a time, there was this beautiful baby named Beatrice. Her mum was pleased that she was cute, healthy, ate well and slept well through the night. And then she didn’t sleep well through the night. And then she did. And then she didn’t. And then she did, for three nights in a row, not waking up once between 9pm and 5am. One day she went from 7pm to 6am. “What the heck”, thought the mother, “is this the perfect baby or what?!”. And then Beatrice woke up four times during the night to have some milk.

THE END

*************

The baby who doesn’t like to smile, or does she?

Once upon a time, there was a lovely baby and her name was Beatrice. Beatrice was cute, charming, quiet… and very serious. She didn’t like to smile. In the beginning their parents thought it was because she was very young and newborns only smile because of winds. But at the 8-week check up, the doctor asked if she was smiling yet. “Smiling?”, asked the mum, almost embarrassed. “Yes, social smiles”, confirmed the doctor. “Well, I don’t know, she smiles when she is sleeping, maybe she is socialising in her sleep?”. It was when the doctor decided to make the baby smile and used all her repertoire of “blaaaaa, bilu-bilu, bleeerrrrrrr” and funny faces. But Beatrice was just starring at her, very seriously. The doctor, not wanting to admit defeat, said “I saw a tiny smile there; you’re a tough crowd, aren’t you, Beatrice?”.

Beatrice then decided that she was going to smile more, especially in the mornings, perhaps to please her mother after waking up at 5 in the morning. But Beatrice vowed to never smile to the camera. Ever.

THE END

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The baby who wants to be the next Mr. Beans

Once upon a time, there was a girl and guess what her name was? Beatrice, yes, that’s correct. Beatrice was a clumsy baby. She likes to stare at her hands like they weren’t part of her body and out of the blue she would poke her eye with her finger. She was clumsy when drinking milk too. She wanted the milk so badly but she put her hand in her mouth before putting the breast in – at every single meal time. And she complained that the milk wasn’t coming – so it was a mixture of cry + hand in the mouth + milk squirting all over. The audience burst into laughter.

Another of Beatrice’s acts was to sleep in our arms, deeply and soundly, and as soon as we put her down, she would open her eyes wide open and put on her “that was fun, shall we do it again?” face. The audience burst into laughter (except the person who spent 45 minutes rocking her to sleep).

Beatrice farts very loudly and she burps like a grown up. The audience burst into laughter (but just because she is a baby; if she was a grown up, the audience would be embarrassed).

THE END

"I don't smile for the camera, sorry" - photo by Helen Schryver (Schryver Photography)

“I don’t smile for the camera, sorry” – photo by Helen Schryver (Schryver Photography)

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