It’s probably “normal” for some pregnant women who live in a huge busy city and work like a slave, all at the same time, but I’m feeling a complete mess lately. Ok, I’ve always thought I was a mess, sort of “lost cause”, but somehow I managed to get worse.
First of all, I can’t get my thoughts straight. I’ve even considered being dyslexic – or developing dyslexia recently. My thoughts are no longer linear, I haven’t been as pragmatic and logical as I used to be, I can’t focus on just one thing – not even two for that matter, and I feel like I’m getting dumb.
No, I’m not depressed. It’s a genuine analysis of my incapability of doing things in old-Christina’s way. Whilst old-me would have very clear ideas of what she wanted for her future, whether it was to graduate in Advertising, move to Rio, to get a master degree abroad, to get the Portuguese citizenship or to sleep the whole weekend, I would know what I wanted at that moment and fight for it until I get it. Of course, as a good Cancerian I pretend to be, I was also very dreamy and had my nonsense plans, but my realistic side would always bring me back on track, or keep dreams as dreams and reality as reality not to waste too much time.
Back to the original reason for this post. Lately, I’ve been all over the place. I send emails and text messages to the wrong people. I’m always late and always on the run even when I don’t have any specific appointment – I walk really fast to go to the park to chill out, I eat too quickly even if I have an hour or more to enjoy the meal. Lately I’ve been talking even faster than normal, gesticulating like a crazy Italian to the point that people at work say “no need to panic” – not panicking, it’s the “normal” me, I think. I’m forgetting stuff. I’m replying to people mentally (and I expect them to ‘receive’ my thoughts transmission). I’m not planning things, I’m not thinking long term. I’m not being productive – which, believe me, it’s a near-death experience for me. I’m playing by the ear, but guess what? I’m deaf! People talk to me, I look at them, but I’m completely blanking the information – bad when someone tells you something and you just reply “huh?”. I’m switching to Portuguese at work, speaking English to Brazilian friends, misspelling a lot in both languages and forgetting the meaning of things. I think one word, write another one. I can’t find the time to go to the post office.
That’s sad. At least for me, especially because I’m conscious of all these things, and I’m not really sure how to change or worse if I even want to change.